12 SET

The 10 Top Hunks of the Sesc Dance Biennial 2013

by Dalvinha Brandão

Guys, I was invited to talk about the Sesc Dance Biennial 2013. Then, I have to be honest with you: I don’t Know much about contemporary dance. There was a maid here at home who used to do that

– Deleuza – but then she got something in some edict and came up to me full of airs saying she didn’t need the job anymore. Then, her money was over, what now? She came knocking on my door again. I didn’t want her anymore, right, guys, because someone who bites the hand that feeds them isn’t to be trusted. “ Trust is like a mirror, once it’s broken there’s no way to fix it” (GAGA, Lady).

Anyway, but I was invited to talk about a subject that, modesty aside, I have a little expertise after seven marriages and seven widowhoods – and that’s men. I do know about men, guys, I won’t be a hypocrite with you. I was sent some photos of the young men in the ballet and I’ll do what the Americans call ranking, which means, for those who don’t know the term, a list of preference. Ok? Then, I will go from the least to the most attractive dancer according to MY TASTE, guys, it’s important to make this clear. It doesn’t mean that other people (who have bad taste) can’t think differently.

10 – The Hoarder

Guys, the boy is quite attractive even, but then I see in him this need for objects, it reminds me of the American series Hoarders and it puts me in a certain panic because my second husband was like that. He would gather things, pile up things at home to the point of losing everything, including myself, forever. As much as I went away, he died himself.

9 – The Infant

I must confess that I really like these bearded boys with tattoos that are being made over these days, but this thing of baby looks limits my inclination. Why, guys? Because this the kind of man who creates a dependent relationship and, in a blink, they go for a younger woman. I don’t like that.

8 – The Sloppy

 Very cute, beautiful smile, makes me feel like pinching his cheeks, but then there’s the issue – the guy is drinking coffee with a sock in it. My first husband was like that: he used to forget his time in the fridge, the pen in the washing machine, then would ask me so sweetly: “Dalva, where’s my underwear?”. Sometimes I gave him a rude answer until one day – God forgive me, but with the grace of God – he passed away.

7 – The Drunk

Guys, alcoholism is an illness, it’s a serious matter. I have my little whisky now and then, guys, because I’m not perfect. But when you meet a man who’s already stumbling, there’s no way to go ahead. He’s a handsome man and it’s a pity, but I can’t think about a serious relationship with him.
6 – The Gay

Then, you ask me “Dalva, but are you homophobic?” No, I’m not, guys. I LOVE gay men, I have many friends who are gay and I treat them just like normal people. They are always so artistic, always in a good mood, always up, LOVE them. But when the time comes, I want a manly man. OK?  But here’s a kiss for this one, loved him, beautiful.

5 – The Complicated-Relationship

That’s it, guys, best thing is to keep a distance. A handsome young man, very good looking, but he’s already in a love triangle. I don’t want it, I can’t. I don’t have the physical or the emotional condition for this. If he steps out of this mess one day, then give me a call, maybe, who knows?

4 – The Loner

That’s it, guys, I must confess I’m a bit attracted, but this is no good. A man who’s all to himself, too much just with himself, all you have to do is turn around and he’s watching pornography on the internet.

3 – The Fetishist

Oow, guys, you may call me old fashioned, but I’ve never been into this sexual fantasy thing. My forth husband was: once he came home dressed up as a fireman, I tried hard, but in the end the talk fell into that more than late pre-adolescence foolishness of grab-the-hose-don’t-grab-the-hose and I had a laughing fit. No kinky sex, no good old sex, no sex at all.
2 – The Discreet Fart

This one reminded me of my sixth husband, he was also very handsome, just like this young man here. But he had this very unpleasant habit: he crouched, pretending he’d stretch, and farted. He’d even say “whew” in relief, the wretched man. Then, I’d think: can I deal with this? This one I had to kill indeed. (Kidding, I didn’t kill him guys, it was a stroke.)

1 – The Just-Bathed

Oh, my, this is sheer temptation, right, guys? A handsome young man like this comes up to you wrapped in a towel, just bathed, wets even the most demanding pussy. But I can’t because I can’t trust youngsters like this, I think there’s a hidden agenda, I’m kind of suspicious. Ok?

Summarizing: what have we happened after all this? That these ballet youngsters are handsome indeed, but you can’t venture into these paths. I hope you liked my ranking. See you. Big kiss.

 
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

My name’s Dalva, but those who know me call me Dalvinha. The ones who don’t , include my last name and then I am Dalvinha Brandão. I was born in Salvador, grew up in São Paulo, studied Social Sciences at Mackenzie, was expelled and finished my studies abroad. In the 80s my life was pretty hectic with my BFF Neusinha Brizola, God have mercy on her soul. I lived all the intensity of the New Wave, of the Post Punk and was a close friend of the band Trem da Alegria, especially Juninho Bill. Between 1982 and 1992, I had 17 abortions, but gave birth to three beautiful children that I unfortunately ended up forgetting in different parts of Brazil and of the world – I have already found two of them. I like to travel, meet new people, walk on the beach on my own at night wearing a Laura Ashley dress and Nivea cream on my face. I like sex very much and would like very much to have sex with the singer Oswaldo Montenegro, but the only time I’ve seen him close I passed out. If you have questions about any subject – fashion, beauty, sex, relationship, culinary, grammar, free software – just ask me @ http://ask.fm/dalvinhabrandão

Translation Portuguese-English: writer and poet Chris Ritchie, M.A.